I have never been happier to see my husband than at 4:30 today when he finally got home. It felt like he had been gone for 15 hours. He hadn't. It just felt that way. My two youngest fought all day long. If Jake had a toy, Judah wanted it (repeat for next approx. 15 hours). It doesn't help that Judah is not feeling particularly well either. He's on medicine for an infection in a not so lovely area of his body AND he's on a laxative because of his oh so lovely issues. Makes for a nice diaper changing day for yours truly. So we've got fighting, whining, pooping, yelling, (1 hour restful nap for little ones) then more crying, yelling, taking toys, etc.
When Jason got home I was already sporting my tennis shoes, had a water and was sprinting for the basement. I couldn't wait to get on my bike and just ride the stress away. As I rode I thought back on my day. A certain moment kept appearing and made me tear up a bit. At lunch time I gave eat boy their plate of food (with each "like" and balance of items). Judah finished first. He always finishes first. Being institutionalized does that to a child. My child learned to eat quickly or his food would be taken by another child or worse, knowing the lack of food. Judah usually eats his food first quickly then scans Jake and Jadon's plates to see what is left behind. Because Judah has GI issues we have to be careful on what and how much of something he eats. If I let him, he would eat an entire pack of hotdogs at one sitting. It's outrageous how much he is willing to consume to fill that little hungry belly. It is important that I leave food out all day so that he knows that there is something always available if he gets hungry or afraid that there will not be food.
Our kitchen is an amazing place for this little two year old. It's almost too much for his little mind to comprehend. I have to deliberately try to keep him out of the overwhelming food supply. He's probably never seen anything like it. We were warned beforehand that an American kitchen could overwhelm him.
Back to lunch... Judah was done. Jakey was done. Jadon ate half of the food on his plate and decided that he, too, was finished. Judah had already had plenty of meat from his lunch (meat, minus chicken, is his most favorite thing to eat), but Jadon had some of his ham and cheese on wheat left on his plate. Not thinking, I just picked up the plate and took it to the kitchen counter ensuing a massive heart/belly ache breakdown from my youngest. The fact that there was still food on that plate and that he could not have was heartbreaking to him.
It's hard to see hunger in the eyes of a child, let alone your own child. I'm not saying he was hungry just then. I knew he wasn't because he had just eaten more than me, but I could see a place in him that had been hungry and was weeping for food. This made me so sad. Did I give him the rest of the sandwich? I didn't. I opted for a bowl of baby goldfish crackers instead because I knew that was better for his digestive issues. He was consoled by the goldfish, but I still grieved for my hungry child and his past. I am so very thankful that I can give him food and that we have an "endless" supply for him (not to mention that goldfish crackers are okay for him to eat so he eats them all day and I have stock in those tiny things.)
I will never truly know what my child went through for the first two years of his life, but I know that from now on I'm his momma and I will do everything I can to provide every need for him from this day on. I love the little guy. He's my son. So, here's to goldfish crackers and a full belly.
Say a prayer tonight for those little ones that have to go hungry and for the mommas that don't have bread to give their hungry child. My heart breaks for those in our world with so little. At least there is one less hungry little one tonight. Time for us all to do our part. Here's to full hearts as well as little bellies.
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