Rain

Moments ago I was sitting at my wooden kitchen table listening to some soft piano music and watching the rain come down outside on my deck.  I am in a solemn mood. And began to pray.  I prayed the "disciples" prayer and following that I ask the Lord to please guide me as a mother of an adopted child.

The adjustment has been difficult.  So much more so than I had anticipated.

First, the medical condition is worse than we had expected. Second, our little Judah spends some time every day crying, grieving, and screaming.  Oh the screaming.  It makes me sad and angry all at the same time. Isn't that awful for me to utter?  I hate that it makes me angry.  I didn't grow up with a lot of noise.  My family doesn't try to talk over one another.  I don't like the TV to be too loud.  Often my husband asks if the radio is even on because I listen to it so softly (unless I'm dancing in my car then it's up really loud-well, for me.)  I have a hard time having a conversation with someone while aTV is on, children are banging on something and the dogs are barking.  Sends my nerves on edge!  So when Judah screams it makes me scream (on the inside) and I have a hard time calming both of us down.  Also, I don't handle stress well.  At one time I actually wrote on my resume "Works well under stress."  That's before I knew what "real" stress was.  It's not on my resume any more.

Judah has been napping and sleeping at night, though he often wakes the rest of us up with his grievous cries. His eyes remain closed and we stay close in case he needs us.  He is truly very pleasant.  He loves to play cars.  He likes to sit in our Little Tykes black truck or on the bicycle.  He is starting to say more words.  Currently he thinks all "dogs" are actually all "mylos" because that is our dog's name.  He'll learn.

I'll learn.

I'm learning everyday what patience means.  You'd think by now with another 4 and 2 year old that I could get a better grasp on "patience".

Patience.  My prayer continues as I cry out to God to help me be more loving, joyous, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful and to have more self control.  I know that in time our family of 5 will be okay.  Right now I really am just trying to take it one moment at a time.  I know that God is faithful.  I know that he loves THIS adopted child of His so very much and for so many years He has put up with my learning, my screaming, my fill in the blank.

I thanked God for our church family and how amazingly encouraging and generous they have been.  We came home to boxes upon boxes of Pampers diapers (since Judah is allergic to other brands), but not only diapers, but also clothes, wipes, creams, hugs, tears, and gift cards to help us with food while we adjust to being home again.  I am so grateful.  God is so faithful.

I concluded my prayer by saying "amen" and wiping away my tears then I looked outside and noticed the sun.

It had stopped raining.